How to help children survive the transition and loss of divorce
- Be open and let them ask questions. Listen to them and empathize with their feelings.
- Don't use them as a messenger between you and your former spouse.
- Don'tt fight in front of them and don't speak negatively of the other parent.
- Don't let them see you "fall apart" but also don't hide the various feelings you are going through.
- Understand that your children are going through more change on a continual basis than you will. Meaning kids have to always go between 2 homes and often times they don't feel like either of them are really theirs. 2 homes, 2 bedrooms, 2 different sets of rules, routines, schedules, and expectations.
- Watch the language your use: for example pre divorce parents tend to say "did you have fun with daddy" after the divorce the language changes to "did you have fun with your daddy?" It may seem small but the tone set is completely different.
- Don't make promises you can't keep.
- Don't try to "move on" for at least a year after the divorce is final. Many kids feel that their parents moved on and left them behind and that they are reminders to the other parent of a failed family.
- Seek counseling for them as soon as possible even if they are not having major problems yet. Getting established with a therapist and building trust is helpful in avoiding pitfalls and making sure they are going through the process in a healthy manner.
- Don't be offended when the children prefer one parent to another. These preferences are common with kids from non-divorced homes. Try not to take them too personally. Again just empathize with them.
- Stay involved with the kids lives on a daily basis as much as possible. For example: take them to school, help with homework, take time off work to care for them when they are sick, attend school and extracurricular functions.